Dear Lobbyist I Was Just Short With On the Phone:
Good afternoon. I should apologize for my shortness, but I don’t feel like it right now.
You see, you’re from a friendly organization–by which I mean my boss is 101-percent behind you. Has he ever cast a vote that you didn’t agree with?
You’re from a friendly organization and you’re calling at 4:45 PM on a Friday when the House is not in session. You know what I’m doing at 4:45 PM on a Friday when the House is not in session? Hint: it involves checking the traffic cameras online to see which route I should take home.
And you’re calling about a bill that’s being considered in committee next week. What can be done about that over the weekend? Nothing. Not a bloody thing. So what I’m saying is that a 4:45 PM call on Friday is exactly like a 9:30 AM call on Monday. In case you don’t see where I’m going with this: why not just call at 9:30 AM on Monday?
On top of that, you called to get my e-mail address so you could e-mail me your organization’s position on said bill. Then–and this is what sparked my mood–you proceeded with a 10-minute monologue on the contents of that position paper. Do I need both? Could we have each saved some time by you e-mailing the thing to me, letting me look it over, and then I could call you if I had questions?
And then you asked me if I’d talked to my boss about your position paper. I don’t have it yet! All I have is a headache from your mind-numbing presentation at 4:45 PM on a Friday when the House is not in session. “Well, my boss is going to ask me if you got word directly from your boss that he agrees with our position.” Your boss is going to ask you that at 4:45 PM on a Friday? I might have to apologize now, sister: you have the worst job in the world.
Can’t you just tell your boss “it was 4:45 PM on a Friday when the House was not in session when I called, so he didn’t have a chance to discuss our position with his boss”? That ought to work. If not, you should really seek new employment. (You want my job? Probably not: sometimes in this job, people from friendly organizations call you at *:** PM on a ****** when the ***** is not in ******* and ask you stupid questions.)
So here we are. I’ll be getting my e-mail soon, you’ll get over my curtness, my boss–shocking to no one–will be right there in your corner next week, and all will be well.
You can call to thank me next week, but don’t be surprised if I let you go right to my voicemail.